Sunday, 26 April, 2020
Forty-first day of sheltering in place.
I was doing well for a long time. IÂ was not feeling stir crazy, actually enjoying the pace of my days, like being on holiday and having the luxury of quiet afternoons to read, nap, write, or even make cookies. Then it all shattered. But first things first.
I made the vegan peanut butter chocolate chip cookies I learned to make at Cake or Death. I had enough for four nights of cookies. Each time I got a slightly different result. I think perhaps there was not enough flour or perhaps Krish mixed them too vigorously. But they were still delicious.
There were the usual casual dinners. This was the fish finger tacos we eat quite often. Help yourself to all the toppings!
And old favourites like matzo ball soup. So comforting.
I even had a go at chicken congee. It wasn’t too bad, considering I had the wrong rice and cooked it only ninety minutes. I’d like to try it again with short grain rice and cooking it for much longer.
It was interesting to watch people responding to social distancing. I had a lot of fun looking out of the window to see the spaced-out queues outside the Little Local, and people ‘meeting’ at safe distances in the houses opposite.
I also watched the tree outside the window slowly bursting with leaves. So much progress in so little time. The weather went from rain to sun and everything was coming into flower. There were so many birds singing in the trees, nesting and settling in as the tree got greener.
After the island bollard was knocked down, I thought replacing it would take forever, with such working relegated way to the bottom. Then one day they arrived to fix it.
Grocery shopping was getting really difficult. I couldn’t go any more but Krish was managing a shop or two a week. After several days of patient emails, Sainsbury put me on the vulnerable customers list. This meant that I didn’t have to wait too long for a shopping delivery spot. It all arrived – with the flour and disinfectant wipes missing – and the fridge was jam-packed.
Easter Sunday came and went and Krish bought me a giant bar of Cadbury’s, which I’m still rationing for one to three squares a day. The teabag is for scale.
I went down to the front steps on a THursday. I sat there for some time. The tree looked good from down there. On my way up the stairs my vision was wonky.
I had an ocular (retinal) migraine. I get them very rarely but they are terrifying and it’s hard not to panic. I found a video that attempts to duplicate it – this one looks milder than mine but does a pretty good job of showing the non-sufferer what it might be like. This one was the worst I’ve ever had. My vision was almost gone on the left but filled with blurry bright coloured light. There’s no headache, although there are many of the other migraine symptoms, like dizziness, frequent bathroom trips, just feeling ‘off.’ The visual effects don’t last very long for me – a few hours, but the ‘hangover’ lasts a couple of days.
It was sort of a catalyst for everything that happened afterwards. My panic volume was turned up unbelievably. Krish was stressed and his needs ramped up too. I felt I was out of control and I didn’t know if I could survive it.
On Monday I woke up feeling quite ill and so dizzy I could barely stand. I dared to take my blood pressure and it measured 215 over 120 more or less. Enough – and it didn’t help my sense of panic and illness, so I called 999 and they sent paramedics over. This might be a long story so, cutting it short, the doctor they got to call me talked to me about reducing the stress, and I made the decision to get away from the additional stress – I called Lisa to help me and my case leave – I went to stay at a friend’s flat. And here I am.
This blog isn’t about personal things so much but I’ll say I’m sad, depressed, and adrift, but my stress levels and the symptoms have dropped, with some bad patches I can’t get a handle on. There’s much to talk about with this pandemic but those words can wait for another day – they aren’t unique experiences.
More about home life here later but here are some photos of my new vista. Stay at home, stay safe, world. I’m not done with you yet.
