Birthday and the beginning of my memoirs – an indulgence

Monday, 6 March, 2023

I am seventy-five.

You know what. I have written that line in my head over and over for the past almost-year. I wanted to be able to say it but every time I could, I actually couldn’t. I couldn’t write those words. I knew why. I didn’t want to be that.

On this very day it’s my birthday, so I can write those words for only another few hours – according to the memory of my time of birth – what was it again?? Then it will be another number, a bigger one, a scarier one. And the birthday greetings keep coming so what can I do? Head out of sand.

I can’t put this number together with the reality of how I feel. I’ve read about this for so many years now. Age and how you feel don’t always go together. Sometimes I am in my mid twenties – I like to say 26. It’s the age I was when I got married and in some ways got stuck – and other times I say eleven – I am just so silly. I feel like I have no age. My mind isn’t connected to that.

At a very young age someone suggested that ‘When you get older, you will change your mind about that’ (whatever that was at the time) and I replied confidently: ‘That’s not who I am. I always like how today is and I think I’ll still feel that way then too.’ I was right. I don’t let myself get stuck in the past. I enjoy change and innovation. I do like to think back and some stuff has remained my preference, but no. I love today. I live around people who are stuck – what they wear, their music, their sense of what is ‘good.’ I can’t get behind that way of thinking. It’s too subjective.

What a time I’ve had. How many things I’ve been able to experience in their own time. How could I have been open to those things had I been stuck? I feel annoyed at how many things I will never get to see because I’m not here. We’ve created an awful world in so many ways but then we’ve also created some amazing things and I got to experience them. How lucky.

I don’t think this feeling of no-age is just mine. I’ve heard it from so many people throughout my life. I don’t think anyone has ever attached an age to me. They could call me child-like but they call me ageless. Whatever that means. I’m me – Janice. Is my agelessness really me or is it denial?

I’ll take a short detour to talk about appearance. Everyone in my family looks younger than they are. I’m that way. I used to love, now roll, with hearing ‘You’re HOW old? Are you sure?’ Sure, it can be flattering but it doesn’t detract from how I feel looking in the mirror at my softer and ever-softening self. I hate my baggy eyes, the pouchiness that is my neck and chin, any lines that appear anywhere (not that many, thanks genes) my weight gain, the way my body is crepey and ropey and falling towards the floor. The way my breast surgery, which at first hardly showed, now makes one breast look (to me) half the size of the other. I am vain and I know it. The way my knees hurt and my hips get stiff and sore. Not being able to walk, climb, get off the floor or out of the bath. My voice feeling weaker. The way I get dazed when I laugh too long or cough too much. I think, ‘Who is this person? Who have I become?’ And, yes, how much worse will it get? Then I try to metaphorically get up off the floor and on with living with who I now am.

I’m doing my best to live every day. I’ve lived with fear my whole life, or almost. It’s slowed me down and made me miss a lot. But I’ve still done a lot. The price of freedom and today-living is high, I won’t lie about that. I’m reaping some difficult crop now. Today is not the day to dwell on that. I’ve dwelled on it a lot. No choice. Life right now is very difficult but I have to live.

That’s my birthday message so that I write those beginning words before it’s not true anymore. I’m pleased that I did it finally. It was my last chance.

Back to being ageless now. Thanks.

I’m a scaredy-cat but I’m being brave and posting this. (Hit publish, Jan.)

How I ended up in Toronto

Thursday, 15 December, 2022

Once again I find myself having written dozens of blogs all in my own head. I can hardly believe that I’m sitting here actually typing…but I am. I had to check what I wrote in my last blog and at that time I was aware that I’d have to move but had no clue it would be such a monumental one.

My plan is to just keep blogging and I may skip around a bit while doing so. I don’t know. If I’d blogged all the way through this experience it would either have been therapeutic or mindblowingly depressing/confusing/traumatic – to me at least. What I envision is filling in events throughout rather than hitting anyone with too much pouring out of misery!

Somehow in most of crisis times I’ve not been able to write a thing. I find that intriguing. I’m a big believer in writing things down during difficult moments or times, but somehow during every major crisis of my life, I have become numb and unable to do this. So at least I can write about things after the fact and shorten the timeline enough to make it bearable.

Looking for a place in Hackney was tough. So many bad looking places, so many that were above our budget. I applied for some anyway but heard nothing back. Sometimes I felt I was close to seeing a place but then the trail went cold and I can only assume they were somehow snapped up directly. We did manage to see one but it wasn’t for us – it had a single counter open plan kitchen and was above a pub, which would have made it noisy.

We finally got an interview at another place. We played our hand when we saw it was quite nice compared to others. To avoid a long story, it became a nightmare of an application. We got the place (in theory) but the demands were overwhelming. We needed to bid over the stated price, we needed to pay a whole year’s rent, we needed to accept a lot of the current furniture, we had to jump through many hoops to satisfy the landlord’s wishes. It got more and more crazy and we couldn’t understand why, after paying so much more than the advertised price (and the amount we were comfortable paying) and promising a whole year’s rent, we were badgered for every sort of check possible.

In the end, we’d had enough. We had had thoughts of this being our last year in Hackney after which we would return to Toronto so I could be closer to Robin. All of these hoops for a year in a place we couldn’t really afford and didn’t love – it just didn’t feel worth it. So we made a decision to move our Toronto journey up a year.

For the next couple of months (or was it less) things couldn’t have been more difficult. Arranging shipping, packing for the day everything would leave, listing things for donation and sale, fielding the potential buyers, sending things off to new homes, taking things away to people by ourselves, all the admin work… Every day felt worse than the last, our stress level was crazy. What had seemed like a good decision suddenly felt like it was killing us. Krish questioned our sanity in returning to Toronto. Every day he was reading about all the reasons not to. I tried to buoy him while all the while questioning it too. I felt that one of us needed to stay resolute somehow and I seem to be better at that than he is. He’s the person who I say will have a one word epitaph – ‘OR‘.

We were up against a tight deadline – we had to leave our place, we had booked our plane ticket, our shipment date was looming. But finally, our stuff was shipped off. Our furniture and the belongings we didn’t need to hold onto were disappearing day by day. It felt good to know we weren’t going to be stuck with stuff but it also felt bad to know our Hackney life was dwindling.

We thought we could get out a bit to see the things we knew we’d miss but every time we did find a couple of hours to do it, it was mostly sadness I felt – a need to be out but at the same time a need to get back to the safety and comfort of home. I want to blog about these experiences and I hope I will – if I do, I’ll be skipping about in time. I’ll cross my fingers.

I may or may not blog about the agonies of the physical move, or I may allude to it here and there, but I do have photos…

Gathering things we definitely don’t need to hang on to
We decided that our red wall unit was the only thing we would keep from our furniture. And so began the laborious and inevitably nostalgic part of our packing

Our living room and kitchen became a war zone slash obstacle course for about a month. Sorting took forever – what to pack, what to give away, what to try to sell. We chose to ship our belongings and got our ‘plan’ in place – a piece of plastic that outlined the dimensions of our container. Krish planned and planned and then planned again, calculating over and over every day. His Tetris expert status was going to come in very handy, but the headache…



The daily shuffle of stuff. And Krish calculating, packing, taping…it went on for days and days and…

And then one day, the van arrived to pick it all up. Krish had staged it carefully and carried it downstairs to go out. The boxes began to leave our hallway, one by one, until they filled the container box. And then at the very end, there had been a half centimetre miscalculation and one slim box had to be sacrificed and brought back in to reconsider. (We unframed several pictures and mum’s needlepoint – the only heartbreak since it had been custom-framed and looked amazing – and mentally tagged them for carry-on baggage.

It was done. All ready for its ocean voyage. The driver was justifiably full of praise for how it all fit together. Tetris expert indeed!

When everything was gone, goods sold, stuff donated, friends happily (we hoped) taking leftover food and toiletries and bits and pieces of furniture, we were without a bed.

We slept two nights in the nearby KIP hotel. I liked that little black and white room over by the Narrow Way. Then we went back, finished our packing and cleaned up. The rooms were bare at last. We drank champagne and waited for the cab to take us to Gatwick for our final night in (sort of) London.

Our little KIP hotel room in Hackney
Our cases sitting in an empty flat. We had only the floor to sit on. It had been backbreaking work. But we were done.
The hotel room at Gatwick – we spent hours and hours working on our shipment forms for customs. It’s a miracle we didn’t kill each other really

We don’t like flying. We’d carefully chosen the cheapest day to get a premium economy on Air Transat. Such a good choice. We were comfortable, well taken of, fed and fed and served as much champagne as we could stand (that’s not much for me…) and there was very little turbulence. Krish rightly felt thoroughly spoiled right up till we landed.

Eventually I’ll have the time and energy to blog about our time here.  I will at least catch up for now. It hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been a continuation of the nightmare that started in the UK. We’re going through a patch of calm at the moment and grateful for it. We miss Hackney and London very much, but most of all we miss our life which seems to have been lost, at least for now. Our only goal is to find it again no matter where we are.

Stick with me and see what happens. Just don’t get motion sick as I jump around in my timeline for the next little while.

 

A bit of Dalston in a pandemic

Thursday, 6 August, 2020

There are up days and there are down days. Days I have big hope and days I despair. The worst thing is fear, followed by lethargy, or maybe lethargy is the worst thing. I’ve had to face the dilemma of being an already fearful person in a genuinely fearful situation. Knowing others are in it too can be comforting but adds a layer of reality. Phobias are defined as fear out of proportion to the threat. So, yes, I find my phobic self reasserting itself more these days but ‘out of proportion’? Hmm, not sure.

I’ve heard that we agoraphobics have ‘an advantage.’ That’s because we’re already familiar with panic and the symptoms of generalised anxiety, but we’ve gathered an enormous toolkit of coping techniques that help us navigate and live our lives more fully. Well, yes and no. So I’m trying to push aside the ‘what if’ thinking and ride over the waves of fear and helplessness, because there are so many things I can still enjoy and experience. It’s just different now.

It’s Thursday and I haven’t been out since Sunday. On that day I was feeling wobbly but I went anyway. My phone and my camera were there to keep me company, and I wasn’t going very far. I did a bit more and a bit less than expected. I’d count that as a success.

My goal was to visit Gillett Square, Bradbury Street, Winchester Place and Marks and Spencer – a short itinerary on an increasingly warm day!

The little garden they built opposite
The little garden they built opposite my flat is looking a bit messy but it’s really grown
Another view of St Marks
Passing St Marks church on my way to Kingsland Road

Bradbury Street was a bit of a bust since I’d forgotten that places were closed on a Sunday. With so many shuttered fronts, I wasn’t sure if they were closed for Sunday or closed for good. I’ll have to go back and find out. For some reason, despite living in Hackney for so long and just a very short walk from Kingsland Road, Dalston, we discovered Bradbury Street only about a year ago. It’s not hidden – it’s a step away from Dalston Kingsland Station and  has its back to Gillett Square – but for some reason we hadn’t wandered along it.

Bradbury Street is a short – 110 metres long – street which is lined with restaurants either side. They’re all small and unpretentious, and only one is a chain – Honest Burgers. There’s more than a hint of the Caribbean here, and jazz, and doing your own thing. And I’ve never eaten here! I’ll come back to see what’s surviving soon, take more photos, and perhaps try the home made patty I’d seen advertised in one window a year or so ago.

Heading down Bradbury Street
Heading down Bradbury Street
Banke's Kitchen
Banke’s Kitchen was open, with one customer. It’s described variously as West African and Nigerian, and has apparently been here 26 years
House of Momo
House of Momo. I took a quick look. Momos weren’t on my list, though. It’s on the corner of Bradbury Street and Boleyn Road
Peeking down a mews at the top of Bradbury Street
Peeking down a mews at the top of Bradbury Street. The new round building is behind Dalston Kingsland Station overground station

I went in from Boleyn Road to Gillett Square.  The square was created as part of a plan to develop the Bradbury and Gillett Street by Hackney Co-operative Development and others. Started in 1998, it opened in November 2006 as the first of 100 new public spaces for London.

Stamford Works yard with a few restaurants
Stamford Works yard is at the Boleyn Road end of Gillett Square. There are a few cafes in here and the large Jones and Sons restaurant
Remants of demolition, Gillett Square
The remnants of whatever building was here. If this were a Roman wall, I’d be feeling differently. As it is, it’s a reminder that people were displaced while the developers profited
A mosaic of mirrors in Gillett Square
This mosaic of mirrors, reflecting at different angles, is a highlight in Gillett Square
Gillett Square from Boleyn Road
My back is to Boleyn Road, looking towards Kingsland Road. The square is large and there aren’t nearly as many people as you’d have seen pre-pandemic
The market pod kiosks of Gillett Square
In 1999 HCD built ten market pod kiosks along the south side, to lend it the air of a new town square here. These are normally all open
Dalston Culture House
The Dalston Culture House contains the Vortex Jazz Club. The ground floor cafe is usually busy, serving burgers. The club is struggling to survive but there are live events online. I’ve always wanted to attend a klezmer performance. Maybe now?
New 1-2 metres signs on the ground
New 1-2 metres signs on the ground
This new mural has appeared, begun in the last week of July
‘Gestures of a Square’ Mural by Li-Hill. Begun near the end of July. ‘Photos of people during this process, frequenters of the square, became the subjects of the mural.’
A few people lingered
A few people lingered. Usually there are a lot more.

If you cross Kingsland Road from Gillett Square, you hit Ridley Road Market. It’s not open on Sundays right now and is still on my list to look at more closely. However, my brother John had told me that on his Google Streetview explorations, he’d seen the Hip Hop Raised Me mural in Winchester Place. As soon as I saw it, I knew I’d seen it many times – it’s not on my Favourites List, but it’s a large piece off the main road.

Hip Hop Raised Me mural in Winchester Place
Hip Hop Raised Me - from Ridley Road Market
The  mural wraps around from Winchester Place

John had also noticed Colveston Primary School. It’s on Colveston Crescent, just off Ridley Road. It’s described as ‘a close-knit and friendly one-form entry primary’ and it looks like a little village school. It has a focus on creative arts – music, drama, art and it’s housed in a grade II listed building – I’m still chasing what makes it so, although it’s obviously a remarkable building. The railings are especially noted online but I didn’t discover this until later so missed the point.




It isn’t easy to see the whole school in one go. From across the road I’d be able to get an interrupted view, with all the fencing and railings from the market, but there was no way through, so that will have to be another day – I hope next week.

What followed was a quick trip into the not-too-busy Marks and Spencer for fruit, vegetables and a pork pie! Nothing too exciting to report. I walked through the back streets to my bus stop and then home.

Back Streets to my bus stop on Balls Pond Road
Back Streets to my bus stop on Balls Pond Road
Back on my Street
My favourite doors along my street. A chaotic and colourful welcome home

In the UK, Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak came up with a scheme to help restaurants and encourage people to ‘dine in.’ It’s called Eat Out to Help Out. On any Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday during August you can eat in a restaurant for 50% off to a maximum of £10 a person. We’ve talked about taking advantage of this and waver between being very interested and not interested at all. I’m still not sure we will do it. I suspect not but the month has just begun.

Christmas in July?

Friday, 17 July, 2020

Why Christmas in July? Is it that cold? Well, it has actually been quite cool up till today. We’ve even had the heat on sometimes, but today is a hot one, 27C – very warm for London. And I can’t open the window for some reason. It’s not too bad, though.

Well, see the last photo for the reason for the name of this blog entry.

I’ve taken some photos in the last few weeks so here goes with the mini stories behind them.

Duet
Two doors on what must have workers’ cottages on Seal Street or April Street, on the way to the doctor’s office. The owners of this land still have streets and areas named after them
Doctor's office
Inside the doctor’s office, gone are all the rows of chairs and instead there are some widely spaced chairs – maybe five in all. I sat alone waiting to see a doctor. The door was firmly closed and I was admitted after giving my name over the intercom, and instructed to use hand sanitiser on my way in.
Boiler repair
In the middle of a pandemic, a plumber visit is something else! Hours of sitting with a mask on, hoping he wouldn’t need to use the toilet (he did) and wondering if it was rude not to offer him a cup of tea.
It's the little things
The little things can make you smile. Like this marked down Cornish pasty that served as lunch that day. I love a bargain.
Not so distanced
Not everyone really cares about staying away from others. It’s worrying but almost heartening at the same time – looks so ‘normal.’

Continue reading “Christmas in July?”

So what about the NHS?

Thursday, Jan 23, 2020

I hear a lot of complaints about the UK Health System. I hear a lot of fear from my friends in the USA too, who seem to cower in the face of what’s termed socialism. I’ve had the privilege of living in Canada, the USA, and the UK so I have more of a clue than most about the differences. I learned that paying big money for something doesn’t necessarily equal shorter waits or better care. It sometimes equals prettier decor, though.

I can’t pretend to know enough about each system but I can speak about the NHS after close to two decades here. Overall, it’s pretty wonderful. Surprised? Healthcare is never actually free, not when it’s supported by government, who in term are supported by the people – us. When you get a service that’s not funded by lots of private money, it does look different.

Many doctor’s offices and hospitals look impoverished by North American standards but that’s changing. The newer places are every bit as sparkly, advanced, and attractive as you’d expect in Canada or the USA. Systems are automated, cafes are abundant, and the biggest difference is usually the number of people waiting to be seen, even on the appointment system.

Growing up, there was no appointment system for the ‘lower classes.’ You’d show up to a crowded room and your turn would come sooner or later. You learned who was in the room when you arrived and when the last of those people left the doctor’s office, you knew you were next. Sometimes it took up your whole morning or afternoon but it was just how it was. These days if you have no appointment, you go early in the morning and wait in line, take a number or report your name to the receptionist and sooner or later, you’re seen. Mostly, though, you’ll have an appointment time.

You get your appointment by phoning in, but there’s a great online system where you can book your own, self-refer to other services (pharmacy, physio, etc) request medication, fill in some symptoms and get a phone call or email response, and some new things I haven’t discovered yet.

Since Krish  has run into some serious eye problem, we have been going to Moorfields eye hospital. There are many waiting room areas and reception desks. There may be 50 or more patients waiting to see 7 doctors in each area. Things run smoothly, the doctors are skilled and personable, but a blackboard is very clear about your waiting time – it’s usually 2 or 3 hours.

Waiting times for things like tests and surgeries depend on how urgent your case is. In Toronto I didn’t wait very long for surgery. I haven’t need any in London, but for things like tests and referrals to specialists (called consultants here) the wait has been pretty short – a week to a month on average. Some very specialised things, like the sleep or the tinnitus clinic, have much longer waits. A little chat with the hospital ombudsman has usually bumped me up nicely.

I went the less picturesque way to the doctor's office
I went the less picturesque way to the doctor’s office, through a housing estate
The street where the offices are
The street where the offices are. On the left is a commercial building with storage, the doctor’s office is on the right

At my doctor’s office, there’s a rudimentary check in machine system. You click on your arrival, you click your day and month of birth and confirm your name – the machine lets you know if your doctor is on time to see you or falling behind.

You can check yourself in
You can check yourself in
Somerford Grove Practice
Somerford Grove Practice – very plain looking. A doctor’s office here is called ‘a surgery’
Notice board outside
Notice board outside

It’s a rough building and the clinic is barebones. The fanciest thing in there is the TV that shows all manner of public health service announcements in a loop. Yawn. There are three waiting areas and probably seats for at least 75 people,including a little secluded area I assume is for orthodox Jews or others who need privacy. I’ve never counted how many offices there are but there’s a receptionist window – they’re glassed in like we might attack them otherwise, and I have to say there’s never any recognition that I’ve been there before – bad! – there could be ten doctor offices and three or four nurses’ offices and off to the other side, where there’s a smaller waiting area, there’s a door leading to other offices that I’ve never been in. It’s a rabbit warren.

At the entry the receptionist window looms and the first of many bulletin boards
At the entry the receptionist window looms and the first of many bulletin boards
A small glimpse of the main waiting area
A small glimpse of the main waiting area
A little bit of the main waiting area
A little bit of the main waiting area with the receptionist window at the back. The crazy faces – my attempt at anonymising!

I waited twenty extra minutes for my doctor, even though the machine lied and said he was on time. I don’t worry about this most of the time. I know it means that somebody before me had a much bigger problem than I walked in with. I also know it means that my doctor may be a little stressed – he’s behind. In fact, this is the biggest concern for me – the appointments are just ten minutes long. It’s rarely enough. My doctor knows it but he also knows he has dozens of other ten-minute sessions to fit into his day. I’m not sure how much fun it is to be an NHS doctor. I do like this one, though, so I hold out for appointments with him even if it means a week or three’s wait. He’s tall and young, and dresses a bit carelessly, and he listens, and remembers. He’ll also try anything. When presented with something he feels is important but difficult or controversial, he lets me know that he’s presenting the situation at the weekly meeting and he’ll get back to me with the consensus opinion. This style suits me but I like my Toronto doctor who can take her time with me, knows my name and my son, has a little personal chat and a catch-up and doesn’t leave a stone unturned. Can I import her?

There are notice boards everywhere in the doctor’s office and here is where you see how socialism comes in. There are notices everywhere. This group, that club, this explanation of what your disease might entail, many community services available, and research studies to take part in. This time I find a new poster for Brocals. What’s that? If you’re a man, you can join other local men,  who can be brotherly, friendly, do things with you, have a chat. Hmm.

Brocals!
Brocals!

When I first returned to London, I had to immediately get radiotherapy after breast cancer surgery. No one asked me any questions other than medical ones. I had to go for three weeks every weekday to St Barts Hospitals Radiotherapy department, at that time a very old building with very old waiting room chairs and wheelchairs and a gloomy interior. But the machinery was state of the art and the therapists were chatty and kind. I was offered cups of tea, all of my journey money refunded, transport I didn’t accept, and warm chats with a nurse from Macmillan Cancer Care. They also visited me at home, referred me to a complementary care facility where I had lovely herbal, homeopathy, and reiki treatments, all at no cost. They sent me a cheque for a new mattress and then one so that I could go on holiday after the treatment ended. The hospital environment undwhelmed, while the care and support overwhelmed. I can’t say enough for the warmth and generosity during a very difficult time. I went to groups and complementary therapy sessions for years, with free lunches, and new people to meet. I have no idea how much things may have changed but probably not all that much. I don’t like the big waiting rooms or the chance of  not seeing the same doctor each time, but for bedside manner the UK has them all beat.

Maybe Brits, like others, don’t like what they have because they don’t know what it could be like otherwise. The weather, which has no real extremes, the transport system, which is huge and efficient, and the NHS, which all in all is inclusive and free.

There’s a private system. Anyone can use it without losing their NHS privileges. Some additional services are private if you need them, like my dental hygienist. Next week I’ve self-referred to a Physio clinic for an assessment. It costs £45 for a half hour session. I’ll report back.