Momentous Times in London

Sunday, 19 February, 2023

So sometimes I wonder if it was me that precipitated the Queen dying. No, not really. Sometimes, though. On 6 September I sent this message to my friends, Chris and Melodie:

The 8th of September there were rumours, then an announcement that the Queen wasn’t doing well and her family had been called. That day I had a gathering to attend and met my friend, Zofia, for lunch and then to the gathering. At 18:30 someone there announced, ‘The Queen has just died.’ The gathering continued, some of us talking about it. ‘I feel devastated,’ one friend confessed.

The day the Queen died was ordinary. Zofia and I had lunch then walked around Brick Lane. It was pouring rain on and off all day

The truth is my message on the 6th wasn’t random, nor had I had a true premonition. I’d seen a photo on BBC of the Queen meeting Liz Truss at Balmoral. It was significant this wasn’t at the Palace – I think this was a first – but even more significant was how she looked. She was shrunken and frail. ‘Look how frail she looks,’ I exclaimed, but no one really commented. And that’s why there really was nothing ominous about my message.

I was six years old when the coronation took place.  My memory was that we had bought a television – our first – for that occasion. My mother was an anti-royalist and told me some years ago that this would never have been the case. I remember watching the coronation on the small nine-inch screen that sat by the fire in my grandmother’s home. Maybe that too is a false memory.

Mum must not have passed her anti-royalist feelings on to me, since I’ve always rather liked the royal stuff. I was interested in what they did, enjoyed seeing the children grow up and I was touched by the stories of how the Queen and Prince Philip met and married. When the Queen died, it was like a large part of my life died too – something had gone, things would never be the same, what would come next. Would Charles become king? How did he feel about that? Would people continue to mock and shun him? What did that mean for Britain? For Canada and the rest of the Commonwealth countries?

I remember the coronation parties – I think at the Aberdeen pub on Roman Road near our house. There were also street parties. The very next day, 3 June, she drove through our area and I remember seeing her waving from her car on that day. It was near Victoria Park and I was there with my flag. This is not a false memory.

Not my photo but a street party in my neighbourhood. Somewhere my own photos must exist.

Anti-royalist or not, my mum obviously wanted us well turned out for all the momentous occasions and I’m glad that I have some photos anyway. There’s another photo somewhere – my favourite from the day. I wonder where it went.

My sister Ruth on the left, my cousin Louise on the right
With my mum’s dad. In my memory, he was a generous and affectionate man

It hadn’t been too long before that I’d been at the 70 Year Platinum Jubilee parties. Krish, like mum, has nothing good to say about the monarchy so I always did these things alone. I wandered with Melodie through the streets looking for parties and headed for Wilton Way, where I knew there was a party. I also remember that there were far fewer parties than there had been at the Golden Jubilee and wondered where everyone was. Was it the pandemic? Were people partied out? Had the Queen lost popularity? What had changed?

At 9:45 pm on Thursday 2 June, beacons were lit across the country and in local areas. The Hackney beacon was on top of the Empire Theatre. I watched it completely alone. There wasn’t another soul who was interested. Weird
I sat for a while at Navarino Mansions where they were setting up their Jubilee party, all welcome

At Wilton Way it was vastly different than the last time too. People were meeting in families, not as neighbours. The community spirit seemed lost. There were no shared food tables but some venues set up with things you could buy to eat. It was very busy though. Melodie and I found a seat at a picnic table and had a snack, but we didn’t stay very long. The pandemic had changed everything and I felt sad about that. On my way home I looked for random street parties but saw none. Such a very big difference than 2002, my first year back in London. I’m good with change, excited even. Change is inevitable and brings the bad and the good along with it. This one I wasn’t so keen on.

Patriotism at Wilton Way
Every little girl wanted to be a princess
Pretty crowded on Wilton Way, but without the togetherness/family feeling of 2002

But anyway, she’d reached the 70th Jubilee year, something she’d apparently dearly wished to see, since it made her the longest reigning monarch. And then she died.

It was a strange time in the UK. Things went on as usual but on television, there was little else than what had just happened on this small island. We watched ‘The Queue’ as people queued and then paraded past the coffin lying in Westminster Hall. On the 11th we went to see the local proclamation at Hackney Town Hall, on the 19th we watched the funerals, both of them. I was so impressed with the precision of everything. And yes, we. Even Krish couldn’t resist the history and the ceremony. (The proclamation video is below – can you spot the error by the Speaker?) And now we had King Charles III and I’m left wondering if I will ever be able to say that and not find it completely alien, so I just say Charles. No argument with the man. I’d seen him in action a couple of times and was wholly impressed with his presence, his ability to engage the public. Underrated, I thought. God Save the King, they sing and I think, what?

At the Town Hall to listen to the proclamation. This had knocked Hackney One (the local carnival) off the calendar. Many protested, but it was the law of the land
I signed the book of condolences

Carrying the coffin to Westminster Hall. The precision…and hearing Krish telling me as always about how the crown (or parts thereof) were stolen.

At first I thought I’d stay away from central London. Every day we watched the funeral preparations and the street scenes. There were thousands there every day, and more arriving all the time. Who’d want to willingly be there? Then one day I decided that we should go. I had two goals – to see the floral displays in Green Park and to check out the crowds outside the Palace.

It’s easy to get to Green Park from Hackney – only one bus, the 38. It’s a longish journey but there’s so much to see along the way. We got off at Fortnum and Mason and walked through, and out the side entrance to stroll through Mayfair, checking out all the posh shops and places to eat. We walked past Clarence House and on to Green Park.

A tribute on Piccadilly
Inside Fortnum and Mason there was no sign of anything other than the usual

Mayfair is always posh and interesting
St James’s Palace
Approaching Green Park by Clarence House

There were some flowers surrounding the trees at the edge of the Park, bordering a path that led to the Palace. There were wooden hoardings set up and I didn’t know if they were there for the occasion or there had been construction but the crowd was heading along the path anyway. I decided that I would walk that path too, look at the palace and come back to Green Path. Unfortunately, I hadn’t counted on a strict one-way system that had been set up. There was no way to get back into the path. You had to get to Pall Mall and then head along the road for some distance before the allowed crossing. From there you could walk along to Buckingham Palace and back to the park. The crowds were thick and steady and the atmosphere was a curious mixture of sombre and celebratory. It was a long way for me to walk and we decided against it.

Instead I stopped and took photos of the crowd from a distance, gave up the idea of being anywhere near the Palace. Foiled in each instance! We walked along the way we were allowed to go, watching people being stopped from crossing where they wanted to and routed properly. I was tired from walking and found a tent set up with hot drinks and biscuits and some chairs. What a fabulous idea. No charge, I was told. At least it wasn’t hot.

Floral tributes
The path towards the Palace
From our side of the road we were heading towards Admiralty Arch. On the other side, we could see people who had reached the allowed crossing point and were heading towards Buckingham Palace

At the crossing point, I found a spot to photograph the people close to the palace gates

Hot drinks and biscuits for all. Love the London volunteer system


At Admiralty Arch, top of Pall Mall

Seemed stormy that day and looking down Pall Mall towards the Palace was a gloomy, almost foreboding sight

We walked towards Trafalgar Square, stopping to look at the Mall from Admiralty Arch. Trafalgar Square was fenced off and looked abandoned. Police officers patrolled here and there, the flags were at half mast.


At Trafalgar Square police patrolled the fenced site and looking South towards Big Ben all was closed and quiet


Then came the funeral. We watched from our dwindling home. A very different TV than that one I’d watched the coronation on.

Amid all of this was our continued disassembly. The chaos around us, necessary as it was, added to the feeling of things ending and moving on


What a time to be in London. (It wasn’t my fault. Was it?)

Where is home – An enigma

Wednesday, 8 February, 2023

What does home mean? Easy question – until now, for me. Moving from Hackney was hard. Physically, there was so much to do and I’m not as strong or stable as I want to be. I’m also short, which has limited me all my life in a way other short people will understand – attitude and adaptability counts, but if you’re short you’re short and that’s that. Emotionally was probably harder. More than likely, once the work is finished the physicality of the thing will end. The emotional stuff heals only as quickly as you allow it to.

London was my first home. I loved it from the earliest days of my memory. It wasn’t just about my family or the people around me, it was a solid feeling of belonging. I remember events from around the age of two or earlier, just snippets. It’s true that photographs have helped this. Perhaps I have created my own memories from them, but I sincerely believe they are real, or as real as they can be considering how much time has passed. At any rate, I didn’t just exist within the space but embraced it, inhaled it, became it. I’ve always been an explorer and so I discovered many things along the way about this space. When I was old enough, I would walk great distances including the eight miles from my teenage home in West Dulwich into central London, often joining up with my friend in Herne Hill at the two mile mark. At 17 I’d sometimes go in by train and sleep overnight on a bench in Trafalgar Square so I could spend another day there.

Photos were so tiny in those days and so was I. It’s my second birthday, mum and nana dressed me all in white, and I’m standing on the windowsill of my first home.

Until I was 18 I lived in greater London (Bethnal Green, Essex, Bromley by Bow, West Dulwich) and Woking. We moved to Toronto – another long story – and my parents moved to the greater Los Angeles area after a couple of years. I contemplated where home was when they left. I’d not been mature enough to live alone in London when they’d left, but now I was more independent. Should I stay in Toronto, should I follow them to L.A, or was this my chance to go back to London. I flew to London (my first flight ever) but quickly discovered that I just couldn’t afford it. Toronto wasn’t really holding me and my two-year boyfriend wasn’t clinging, so L.A. it was. I lived there and in San Francisco for two years. Despite my aversion to the U.S. lifestyle, Id count those years as the most carefree of my life.

Then I left and went back to Toronto – I meant it to be a holiday really but I stayed. I had another boyfriend then and eventually we got married. After nine years together my son, Robin, came along. Toronto was sticking and he was the glue.

In my thirties, in Toronto. The only time I ever had a whole house (rented) and this is where I was when Robin was born

All this time I never lost my longing for London. My marriage ended, a new boyfriend came along – Krish – and somehow he too was from London and we formed our plan to some day be there. And then we were. How we made it happen still amazes me. I did, however, leave Robin in Toronto and this is the only reason I do believe home is as much about the who as the where. No matter where I was something was missing. In Toronto, I missed Krish. In London, I missed Robin. I used to, and still do, think about this quadrangle – Me, Krish, Robin, and London. This is in no way to make Krish less, but if life forced me to make a Sophie’s (Jan’s) choice it would be me with Robin and London. But me, London, that’s a no-brainer. Why can’t I make my life about me? Being a mother is hard. And wonderful.

Skip ahead to late last year. Leaving London was heartbreaking but necessary at the time. We arrived to stay at my friend Judy’s home near the lake but after only one day I woke in the night to sense something wasn’t right. Krish had a fever. He’s prone to them when he’s sick and burns hot and fast for a short time before recovering. ‘You’re burning up,’ I said – what a cliche. He needs to test, I thought. ‘I’ll do a test,’ he said next morning, surprising me. He’s usually unconventional about such things. Positive.

Inside Judy’s kitchen
Judy’s neighbourhood at Bathurst and Lakeshore. A far cry from Hackney
Judy walking Annie on Bishop Tutu Boulevard, Harbourside
Walking in Judy’s neighbourhood near Lake Ontario
Our room at Judy’s, We were in chaos from travelling
My test on the left, Krish’s on the right

Judy considered this but mostly considered how she couldn’t stay in the same space. She offered to go elsewhere and I insisted that we needed to go elsewhere. I remembered that Krish’s parents were on holiday and suggested we stay in their apartment. They agreed and so we gathered what we could for our ten-day stay and took an Uber to where they lived.

Driving up to Krish’s parents. This was nice, seeing all the Fall colours from the Don Valley Parkway (DVP)

Krish’s sister in law – I suppose mine too – met us there. She gave us some fruit, some leftover take away noodles, a huge sack of potatoes (that was weird!), and two packs of disinfectant wipes. And she left. Judy had pushed a bag into my hand earlier – she’d packed butter, cheese, milk, orange juice, bread…but we were on our own.

Where Krish’s parents live is in the suburbs about 18km from central Toronto. It’s a condo they’ve been in for a couple of years and we’d never seen it before. I actually loved the space. It wasn’t ours but it was bright and large and I mentally refurnished it. It was, however, isolated – too far from everything.

Nice Fall view from the long balcony

Halloween night arrived and Krish was feeling up to a walk so we had fun cruising down the street we could see from our balcony. I had looked forward to seeing the festivities and we took the scenes in.

After five days Krish complained about chest pains and off we went to the closest Emergency department. He had pneumonia. We were on our own, took buses and mostly walked to the hospital, to the drugstore the next day feeling the weight of it all. I’d hoped that help might be offered. We could do it alone but it was hard. And then his brother told us we had to go, that we were endangering his parents by staying. We despaired – his brothers hadn’t offered any help during our isolation, we felt very alone, and his parents hadn’t stepped in to defend us.

Things got foggier in more ways than one

Luckily, Judy agreed that we could return now that all tests were negative and my nephew in law (is that a thing?) voluntered to drive us back down to the lake. The temporary home was gone and so was the trust that Krish had hoped to rebuild with his family. I’ve deliberately skipped details out of respect for them, but I don’t suppose I will ever be able to forget the feeling of betrayal, abandonment, and lack of caring. In all our travel plans we had held tight to the idea of family support. We let go as best we could now.

Back at Judy’s house, Krish struggled. We’d always known that his psoriasis would be a problem wherever we went, but he wasn’t coping. So we looked for somewhere else to be. We found it in a new area of Bloordale, booked two months and packed our things once again.

Our third temporary home gave us a haven. It had issues – our bathroom and bedroom were in the basement, down some steepish stairs with no handrail. It was scary and sometimes I’d lose my nerve and bump down on my bum like a child. We knew we didn’t want to stay too long – it was expensive and the basement was getting very cold (with no heat) as the winter progressed.

Just before Christmas I went to a pantomime with my niece and felt ill during the show. I’ll never know how I sat through the performance but I made it. We took a cab home afterwards and I vomited on the steps outside in the cold. The next morning it was my turn to test positive for Covid. Now those stairs were a bigger problem. I could either stay in the cold basement near the bathroom but without kitchen access or entertainment, or I could stay in the warm living room, with the distraction of Netflix and food close  by, but no bathroom. I muddled through.

Christmas was cancelled! It would have been my first Christmas with Robin in six years. It felt like we couldn’t catch a break. We justified it all by saying how lucky we were overall. We had means, although they were gradually dwindling, we had a roof over our heads, we were eating regularly, we had friends, although not 100% we were relatively well. Blah blah blah.Of course I recovered – Paxlovid helped – we had a Christmas get together with Jenn and Robin, and we started looking for somewhere else to be.

I found a place being sublet until May. We’d save money and have a breathing space. We interviewed and got clearance to be here. We packed our bags again and slowly moved over in the first week of January. And here we are. Our fourth temporary home.

Is everything OK now? Well, the place is crammed with the owner’s belongings so we are living from cases and bags. We scattered our things around and Krish is part way through his usual cleaning and disinfecting frenzy. We will need to start thinking ahead to our next move in another four or five weeks and we still don’t know where that will be. Can we stick it out in Toronto, can we return to the UK. If so, where?

Our street in Parkdale. Winter has set in

The fourth temporary home will do for now. We are OK. Except for the bedbugs… Talking about them makes me itch so I won’t but…damn!

Our fourth temporary home in Parkdale

You can consider all of that. I feel too old to do this, certainly too tired and disheartened. I feel the years ahead are limited in more ways than one. I feel this pull and need for home again very strongly. So I keep coming back to the question – what is, where is home?

I’ll confess to daydreaming. In my daydream I am not somewhere new. I am sitting on the couch in Hackney and my TV is over there, my window is over there, all the artwork is on the wall, the sun is coming through the leaves of that wonderful tree and through the tissue paper tree on the window. Outside people are walking, traffic is passing, daily life goes on. But now it’s going on without me. I try to remember that I was lucky to have had it and that losing it means I had it in the first place. I philosophise and I rationalise, but I am also angry and heartbroken. Can I reconcile this? I have to.

Winter is hard. We tend to forget but it’s out there so it becomes top of mind very quickly

Our mutual love of food has helped us. Toronto is a wonderful cultural mix of people and customs. I want to blog about the food, but for now I’ll just add a cheerful note. Grocery shopping is horrible – more about that in time – but going to restaurants is fun and worthwhile, almost always. We’ve had good meals out and good meals in, helped along by that multiculture. I don’t want all our bright spots to be fattening but for now I’ll take it.

There’s so much else to say. As far as writing goes, I’ll talk about Bloordale, and I’ll talk about Parkdale, where we are now. I’ll talk about our explorations here. I’ll do all that. I want to minimise the misery but I also want to speak the truth. And with any luck, it won’t be too difficult or boring to write or to read.